I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
