I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the day after is always just damage control
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
