I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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