do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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