Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
