I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works