I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.