she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth