Porn is love you can see.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.