sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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