if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
