I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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