when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
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