Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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