Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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