i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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