i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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