God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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