What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
