And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
