I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
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I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
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Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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