I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
