Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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