I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
