if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
