I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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