I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
