mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
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I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
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Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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