His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
