Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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