slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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