Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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