I faked an abortion last night.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I need a burrito and a hug.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
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