He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
