mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
