I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I would ride that face into the sunset
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
