Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
