Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
