I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
