people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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