The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
