there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You left your phone here
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