Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
