If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
