i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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