we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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