I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
