She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
