can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
