She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
