woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
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he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
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Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?