Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
We should try that some time.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?