As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
