OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
