I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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