he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
