i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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