I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
the day after is always just damage control
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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